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“What the? I didn't create this!” - God
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About twenty years ago, I went to an old soda shop style restaurant in downtown Burlington named Zack's. Their main fare was hot dogs and Cokes in ten ounce glass…
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Ass-Effects (Aciphex) may cause diarrhea. Ass-Effects, a real drug actually spelled "AcipHex," is a new drug from Eisai Company, Ltd., of Tokyo, Japan. The drug's country of origin should explain…
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The Original Rudolph BookletThe song of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dates from 1939, when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward company asked one of their copywriters to come up with a Christmas…
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BLT - hold the L and TI have two bosses, a 49-yr old Korean woman and an 86-yr old Jewish man. The woman is the caring, motherly type that treats…
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My parents are getting older. They're in their sixties now. While that's still relatively young by today's standards, they can't do things like they used to.
Every time I…
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UNC vs DukeEvery year about this time, legions of ACC fans begin to tingle with excitement. The hardwoods have opened up and college basketball is well underway. Power teams are…
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The Thanksgiving Feast.It's that time of the year again. The leaves have turned from brilliant oranges and yellows to shades of brown. The time had changed and temperatures have cooled…
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Hallowee, a license to pretend.Halloween is probably the funnest holiday ever invented. Not only is it during the best time of the year, Autumn, but it is mandatory to be…
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Look out for the newest fitness fad that's sweeping the nation! It's the exercise craze that's got Hollywood stars Matthew McConaughey and Katherine Heigel looking like a million dollars. It's…
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I have a legitimate question. Why can't food stains be pretty? One day, you're sitting there minding your own business, eating a perfectly good chili burger and when you bring…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Thursday, 30 August 2007 05:49 |
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That pretty much sums up the thought patterns of a typical American man. Oh sure, there are males who think differently, but this is what American MEN think about 90% of the time.
I've preached this a thousand times but it's so true. It's designed in our genetic code. Most of our thoughts can be broken down into one or more of the above building blocks. Beer, Sports and Porn.
Beer covers everything to do with food and beverages. If it's a hamburger, we're thinking of that Heineken we'll have with it. If we've opted for a Diet Coke instead, we're still pretending it's a brew. Even if you don't see a drink, we're wishing we had one.
Parties = beer. Dinner = beer. Dinner Parties = beer.
 Beer, Sports and Porn.
Porn consumes as much as 80% of our thoughts at any given time. Even if we're thirsty for a beer at a sports game, we're thinking of porn. Porn in the form of sex, internet pictures, spying on the neighbor sunbathing topless, checking out every woman in every room every day of our waking lives. Cleavage is a big part of this. The well-known study says that men think of sex on average of every three minutes.
Wrong. Try twenty-eight seconds. I timed it.
If we're around a female, we're thinking about it. Constantly.
What would she look like with no shirt? No pants? In garters? Sitting down? With knee socks? With her hair up? Picking up that paper she just dropped? With a beer in her hand and no bra on? With pigtails? With a riding crop?
It doesn't matter if she's butt-ugly or super sexy, eighteen or fifty-eight, we can't help but think these things. It's not a conscious decision, these thoughts just pop in there and it happens so much we don't even realize it.
We could meet a perfect stranger in a business setting and before we've shaken hands, we've undressed her and tried out three positions. And it is a proven fact: men and women can't just be friends.
Oh, women can, but men can't. We think about our friend-girls like that more than our girlfriends. We crave the unattainable and fantasize constantly about what-if scenarios.
Bosses? Subordinates? Co-workers? Fuhgedd-about-it.
They're all fair game for our mental undressing. It's not a pathological habit, it's genetically coded into every fiber of our being. It's somewhere on the Y chromosome; we'll find it one day.
Beer, sports and porn.
Once a woman accepts all this, she is on her way to being at ease around men. They are constants and should be treated as such, because like death and taxes (and peanut butter), they will always be there.
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