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“Go sit in the corner.” - Mrs. Causey, my 3rd grade teacher
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It's as simple as that. This article could end right now and you'd all know what I meant without me having to go into it. But where's the fun in…
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Second grade. His name was Marvin. He was in first grade but he was my age. He either failed or was held back or started late. And no, I don't…
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I was born in 1971 and I was given my first album in the late seventies. And it was an actual album, not an 8-track or a tape cassette (CDs…
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The First Knuckle Method.You've seen these people. We all have. The people that engage in some good old fashioned public booger mining.
That's my politically correct term for nose…
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I've written about how our nation's spelling acuities have decreased since the advent of the internet. As a people, we spell bad. Real bad. But something that often…
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I got a chance to see my two nephews this past weekend and as always, their innocent insight into the world proved to be enlightening. From Monkey Poop to thoughts…
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I belong to this company that pays you to accept email ads. It's not too annoying and right now, I have $76 built up in my account. With all the…
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A Garden Gnome.An epidemic has swept the South, one of epic proportions that threatens the very underpinnings of good taste. We've all seen it and we've all commented on it,…
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I want to know something. Who invented the bathroom exhaust fan? I'll tell you, a genius, that's who. A veritable God among men. Whoever it was may have inadvertently saved…
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We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving. That's how the song goes and even though tons of stars banded together…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Thursday, 30 August 2007 05:49 |
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That pretty much sums up the thought patterns of a typical American man. Oh sure, there are males who think differently, but this is what American MEN think about 90% of the time.
I've preached this a thousand times but it's so true. It's designed in our genetic code. Most of our thoughts can be broken down into one or more of the above building blocks. Beer, Sports and Porn.
Beer covers everything to do with food and beverages. If it's a hamburger, we're thinking of that Heineken we'll have with it. If we've opted for a Diet Coke instead, we're still pretending it's a brew. Even if you don't see a drink, we're wishing we had one.
Parties = beer. Dinner = beer. Dinner Parties = beer.
 Beer, Sports and Porn.
Porn consumes as much as 80% of our thoughts at any given time. Even if we're thirsty for a beer at a sports game, we're thinking of porn. Porn in the form of sex, internet pictures, spying on the neighbor sunbathing topless, checking out every woman in every room every day of our waking lives. Cleavage is a big part of this. The well-known study says that men think of sex on average of every three minutes.
Wrong. Try twenty-eight seconds. I timed it.
If we're around a female, we're thinking about it. Constantly.
What would she look like with no shirt? No pants? In garters? Sitting down? With knee socks? With her hair up? Picking up that paper she just dropped? With a beer in her hand and no bra on? With pigtails? With a riding crop?
It doesn't matter if she's butt-ugly or super sexy, eighteen or fifty-eight, we can't help but think these things. It's not a conscious decision, these thoughts just pop in there and it happens so much we don't even realize it.
We could meet a perfect stranger in a business setting and before we've shaken hands, we've undressed her and tried out three positions. And it is a proven fact: men and women can't just be friends.
Oh, women can, but men can't. We think about our friend-girls like that more than our girlfriends. We crave the unattainable and fantasize constantly about what-if scenarios.
Bosses? Subordinates? Co-workers? Fuhgedd-about-it.
They're all fair game for our mental undressing. It's not a pathological habit, it's genetically coded into every fiber of our being. It's somewhere on the Y chromosome; we'll find it one day.
Beer, sports and porn.
Once a woman accepts all this, she is on her way to being at ease around men. They are constants and should be treated as such, because like death and taxes (and peanut butter), they will always be there.
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