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“You are one funny dude.” - S. Milton, some guy I know
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Dishwater Johnson is a guy everyone knows. We see him everywhere. In a McDonald's drive-thru paying with a hundred. At a construction site with his hat on backwards. In a…
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I'm 36. I've been in love more than once and I've done my fair share of traveling. I've been to Disney World, I've seen the Grand Canyon, and I've partied…
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Hackwriters.com published another of my stories, a creative non-fiction piece based on a true story. You may go HERE to read it. ...
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It's as simple as that. This article could end right now and you'd all know what I meant without me having to go into it. But where's the fun in…
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So I had a yard sale with my parents and my sister this past weekend. I know what you're thinking, in October? Don't worry, the weather was a brisk 60…
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Over Is Right, Under Is Wrong
Just the other day, I had to change toilet paper rolls in two of our three bathrooms. I didn't realize it at the…
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That pretty much sums up the thought patterns of a typical American man. Oh sure, there are males who think differently, but this is what American MEN think about 90%…
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It's the beginning of September and I have already seen three Halloween stores open on the route I take to work. Three stores that sell nothing but Halloween costumes and…
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I was young once, and with youth comes stupidity. Complete and utter stupidity, especially in your thoughts. I could usually hide this pretty well as long as I kept my…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Monday, 17 September 2007 01:12 |
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I was hanging out with a bunch of guys watching the US Open on television the other week. We were watching the women's game (no comment) between Venus Williams and Jelena Jankovic when one of the guys said, "Man, I'm getting tired of all these foreigners coming over here and stealing our sports."
I looked over at him but said nothing. He continued, "When they gonna learn tennis is our sport and we're the best at everything."
That prompted me to say something derogatory. "John," I said, "please stop being such a redneck."
He looked at me in a redneck way, throwing out redneck vibes in waves, then said, "What're you talkin' about?"
 Venus Williams losing at the US Open
"And second, we are not the best in everything. We're pretty much the best in the American sports like baseball and basketball but at everything else, we're just merely good."
"Cain't nobody touch us at football," he countered, a lump of chewing tobacco in his lower lip.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. "John, nobody else even plays football except Canada and come on, they're Canadians. They can't score unless they're wearing skates." The hockey joke went way over his head. In fact, most of the conversation did. "Tell me something, John, who's the top player in men's tennis?"
Another redneck deer-in-the-headlights look.
I continued, "Roger Federer, that's who, and guess what? He's not American, he's Swiss, from Switzerland." I added that last part because I wasn't sure he knew who the Swiss were, except the people who made those pocket knives and snack cakes.
"Tiger Woods is American." This was the best come back he had. I felt sorry for him.
Tiger Woods is a phenomenon, he's not human. But how could I explain that to him? And the fact that America lost the Ryder's cup five out of the last six times would escape him. In fact, if I mentioned the Ryder's cup, he'd probably counter with something about the FedEx Bowl or UHAUL All-Star game. I just shook my head and turned back to the TV.
Sometimes it just doesn't pay to explain things to a redneck.
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