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“What a loser.” - Anthony, the bully in grade school
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Okay, here's the deal: My office was broken into over the 4th of July holiday. My computer, my brand new Dell computer, was stolen along with all my personal stuff…
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Yesterday, I talked about how accident prone I've been in my life and I just thought I'd share a little of what I've been through. I think that once you…
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In the American South, we are raised with manners as a matter of breeding. We are taught to hold open doors for complete strangers, help those in need and say…
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Cute and Cuddly Gismo. Wus.When I was younger, much younger, the movie " Gremlins " was released. I was twelve when we went to see it in the theatre…
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I got a chance to see my two nephews this past weekend and as always, their innocent insight into the world proved to be enlightening. From Monkey Poop to thoughts…
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I don't look this gay.First, The Great Cereal Blog (part 1) Remember when you were a kid and it was a big deal to go to the grocery store? …
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"Housesitter" ran on TBS this past weekend (written in mid-July). I kept the sound off while I tried to write about different things. I read through the paper where it…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 06 April 2008 23:10 |
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 I never played football growing up because my mom wouldn't let me. I was accident prone enough without adding eleven guys to the equation, all in pads (read: armor) trying their best to knock me on my almost-non-existent ass . But if I had played, there's one position I wouldn't have wanted.
Center.
For those of you living in a cave or outside the U.S., that's the guy who snaps the ball to the quarterback. To me, that's got to be the worst position in the sport.
First, to be Center, you have to be huge which means the coach encourages you to eat even more than you already do, so you get even bigger. The Center is one of the biggest guys on the team. Imagine a 1977 Buick with a helmet.
This can't be good for life after football. Multiple knee surgeries, king-sized bed, heart bypass procedures. And I'm just warming up.
 Second, you're in the middle. This pretty much guarantees that you're getting hit every single play. And guess who's lining up in front of you? Their biggest guy. He wants nothing more than to make you his mid-game meal. All game long he tenderizes you like you were a fresh side of beef.
And check this, you've got to worry about snapping the ball which gives him a split second head-start on you. Before you've even lifted your head to see exactly where he is, he's set all 350 pounds of his mass into motion. Then he hits you. Every play. Doesn't sound like much fun does it?
I saved the best for last.
Third, unless you get a quarterback that likes the shotgun snap (he lines up ten feet behind you and you throw the ball between your legs to him), you have a man's hand near your boys every play. Sure, you're wearing a cup, but does that really matter? The back of his hand is resting up against your crotch with only an 1/8 inch plastic shell between you both. And I've got to imagine that at least 90% of the time, he grazes your rump on the snap.
I'm not a homophobic but I don't even want to touch my own ass that much. Especially not in front of large groups of people.
So let's summarize all this again: bad knees, size 52 waist, multiple concussions, ass fondling by another man.
Yeah, I think it's safe to take this off my list of things to do in life.
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