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“Go get me the paper stretcher.” - My Dad, getting rid of me at age 15
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People can be divied into two types and it seems as if most women belong to that one group I don't. You know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about…
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I was eating chicken with a friend the other day, just shooting the breeze and enjoying a nice leisurely meal. He's not necessarily an odd guy, grooms himself decently enough,…
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I bought some music online the other day from an outfit named " CD Baby ." They specialize in selling independent music of all genres and…
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Second grade. His name was Marvin. He was in first grade but he was my age. He either failed or was held back or started late. And no, I don't…
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I want to know something. Who invented the bathroom exhaust fan? I'll tell you, a genius, that's who. A veritable God among men. Whoever it was may have inadvertently saved…
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I have a legitimate question: What type of person buys the mid-octane gas? In America, we're sold three octane levels of gas at the pump; 87, 89 and 92 (or…
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I got a chance to see my two nephews this past weekend and as always, their innocent insight into the world proved to be enlightening. From Monkey Poop to thoughts…
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Look out for the newest fitness fad that's sweeping the nation! It's the exercise craze that's got Hollywood stars Matthew McConaughey and Katherine Heigel looking like a million dollars. It's…
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So I had a yard sale with my parents and my sister this past weekend. I know what you're thinking, in October? Don't worry, the weather was a brisk 60…
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I don't remember just how old I was, probably around seven or eight. We had taken a family vacation to the beach and were staying with my aunt and uncle. …
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 08 June 2008 19:00 |
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What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as "the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues."
But I disagree.
Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.
That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin ... etc.
By this reasoning, there are some so-called fruits that don't make the cut: tomatoes, cantaloupe, honeydew and pears.
There is a whole giant argument on whether or not tomatoes should be considered fruits. They have the nickname of "love fruit" and technically, by the legal definition, they are fruits. But not by my definition.
 Was available during the holidays in 2004. Cantaloupes and honeydew melons would make great Jello or Jolly Ranchers and I don't know they haven't been done yet. They should. I'll look into that.
But pears? Nobody wants to buy Pear-flavored Kool-Aid. Or Pear Jolly Ranchers. Or Pear Jello. Jelly Bellies don't even have a pear flavor and they've got some funky stuff going on. Jones Soda and Doctor Browns won't even touch pears and they've got some pretty nasty stuff: mashed potatoes and butter, green bean casserole, turkey and gravy, celery (Cel-Ray ), rhubarb, kumquat, etc.
Pears are the un-fruit. They have pissed me off. Know why?
For the last few weeks, I searched the net for a plush cherry fruit. A toy stuffed cherry. That's all I wanted. With ebay and all kinds of sites out there, it doesn't seem that tough, does it?
It is.
With all my searches, I finally found a set of small plush fruits sold to nutritionists for help in teaching children. They were a set of six: apple, banana, orange, strawberry, grape ... and pear.
They had a pear, but no cherry! I needed an effing cherry and would've bought the entire set just for the cherry but no ... they had a pear.
The un-fruit.
The one major fruit that nobody likes enough to emulate with candy or drink.
People eat cherries in every shape, form and fashion possible. Bubble gum, cola, Jello, Jolly Ranchers, Kool-Aid, straight juice, wine (Three Dog Night: Sweet Cherry Wine), Cheerwine , pies, scratch-n-smell stickers, candles.
You get the idea. People love to eat, drink and smell cherries. Not pears.
Stupid pears. The Un-Fruit of the civilized world.
Damn it, somebody find me a little fuzzy, plush, stuffed cherry before I go bananas.
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