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“Your job is being outsourced.” - American Express, 3 months after being hired by them
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UNC vs DukeEvery year about this time, legions of ACC fans begin to tingle with excitement. The hardwoods have opened up and college basketball is well underway. Power teams are…
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It was the summer of '91 and the first time in my life since I'd began dating that I found myself alone. I just came off an engagement break-up and…
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I pulled up to Becky's place in my Mustang and lightly tapped the horn, as she'd asked me to do. I waited. And waited. The house wasn't in the best…
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I was born in America. I was raised in America. I possess a distinctly American belief system. Therefore I'm a Native American by all sense of the term, right? Then…
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not actual bathroom or chair I went to a married friend's party this past weekend. There were mostly couples there but my buddy promised me there would be some single…
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I admit it, I'm abnormal when it comes to safety. I don't know if it's because of nature or nurture, but for some reason, whenever there's a hint of danger,…
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I was young once, and with youth comes stupidity. Complete and utter stupidity, especially in your thoughts. I could usually hide this pretty well as long as I kept my…
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Growing up, I was kind of a goody-two-shoes. I really never did anything wrong. I was only grounded once (a story for another time). I lived my mischievousness out vicariously…
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Over Is Right, Under Is Wrong
Just the other day, I had to change toilet paper rolls in two of our three bathrooms. I didn't realize it at the…
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I did it. Despite the advice of a trusted movie friend, I watched the musical, Across The Universe. This was a leap for me, you see, because other than Grease,…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Friday, 29 June 2007 19:00 |
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I have no ass. At all. I'm 35 and my ass has left me flatter than my mattress. It just took off one day without writing or saying goodbye.
 I Have No Ass
It's not so bad a thing to have, not as bad as the going bald thing men have to put with, God's little joke. He seems to have quite a few funnies in store for us as we get older. All sorts of things pop up on our body that we'd never seen before, much less even heard of.
I now have little blood blisters, tiny little red dots, at various spots all over me. I'm told (yet to verify) that they're places where the arteries have surfaced to the top of the skin, like there wasn't enough room among all the fat or something. Anyone have any ideas here?
But thing with my ass vanishing, this sorta bothers me. I need my ass. I sit a lot, in front of my computer, in front of the TV, in the car, at the ass clinic. So what am I gonna do if it completely leaves? How will my pants stay up? Tighter belt? Believe me, it's as tight as it's gonna go. My dad used to tell me I was taking gone-ass pills and I always laughed. Not laughing now. I have my dad's non-ass.
Of course, there is a slight upside ... as women get older, their asses sag. Men's just disappear so I guess if I had a choice ...
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