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“What the? I didn't create this!” - God
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Yesterday, I made the bestest breakfast in the world. I fried up three sausage patties, six slices of bacon, and two eggs over easy. Then I added two pieces of…
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After succumbing to the inevitable metabolism death, I underwent The Great Diet Switch . Since that fateful day when I swore off regular sodas, I have rarely to…
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There's a lot I miss about being married or in a serious relationship. Cuddling on the couch when we'd watch TV, cooking a grandiose meal for two, taking naughty showers…
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It's the beginning of September and I have already seen three Halloween stores open on the route I take to work. Three stores that sell nothing but Halloween costumes and…
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Growing up, I had what I affectionately called "Fat Boy Asthma." Whenever I would play sports, I had trouble breathing. I never experienced an attack for no reason like most…
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In the American South, we are raised with manners as a matter of breeding. We are taught to hold open doors for complete strangers, help those in need and say…
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My Dad Wears Mandals I remember when the Mandals craze began. At least I remember when it crept upon my family and took my dad hostage in its thorny little…
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I was talking with my Mom and Dad the other day and I asked if they'd been to Savannah yet. My Mom said they hadn't and my Dad spoke up…
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I've been married twice, to two completely different women. Number One was 5-5, long blond hair, green eyes, curvy, smart, from West Palm Beach with a strong Catholic upbringing and…
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Some might disagree but they'd be wrong. There are other condiments that run a close second but as far as I am concerned, ketchup is the most important food accompaniment…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Friday, 29 June 2007 19:00 |
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I have no ass. At all. I'm 35 and my ass has left me flatter than my mattress. It just took off one day without writing or saying goodbye.
 I Have No Ass
It's not so bad a thing to have, not as bad as the going bald thing men have to put with, God's little joke. He seems to have quite a few funnies in store for us as we get older. All sorts of things pop up on our body that we'd never seen before, much less even heard of.
I now have little blood blisters, tiny little red dots, at various spots all over me. I'm told (yet to verify) that they're places where the arteries have surfaced to the top of the skin, like there wasn't enough room among all the fat or something. Anyone have any ideas here?
But thing with my ass vanishing, this sorta bothers me. I need my ass. I sit a lot, in front of my computer, in front of the TV, in the car, at the ass clinic. So what am I gonna do if it completely leaves? How will my pants stay up? Tighter belt? Believe me, it's as tight as it's gonna go. My dad used to tell me I was taking gone-ass pills and I always laughed. Not laughing now. I have my dad's non-ass.
Of course, there is a slight upside ... as women get older, their asses sag. Men's just disappear so I guess if I had a choice ...
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