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“Uh ... no.” - Michelle P., a friend, when I wanted a real kiss on New Year's Eve
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I was hanging out with a bunch of guys watching the US Open on television the other week. We were watching the women's game (no comment) between Venus Williams and…
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In days long gone, the dinner table served as a gathering place for families. It was the social gathering site where the day was recounted over a hot cooked meal,…
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There's a lot I miss about being married or in a serious relationship. Cuddling on the couch when we'd watch TV, cooking a grandiose meal for two, taking naughty showers…
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The property management place where I work is moving offices and I was put in charge of coordinating all the utilities and services migration. In other words, I had to…
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Caution: Men Working My dad and I just finished a garden retaining wall / walkway project we started a few months ago. We worked on it diligently every weekend it…
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The lungs provide our bodies with life-giving oxygen. The heart pumps our blood, the kidneys filter our system, the eyes provide visual representations of the world around us. We've even…
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Can you blame me for adding stuff to it?By the time anyone reads this, I'll have been through the experience and we can all laugh about it. But right now,…
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I have a legitimate question: What type of person buys the mid-octane gas? In America, we're sold three octane levels of gas at the pump; 87, 89 and 92 (or…
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It's true. The world's spelling acuity, and America's in particular, has suffered immensely due to one major reason. The advent of the Internet.
This new medium has single-handedly opened…
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It was the summer of '91 and the first time in my life since I'd began dating that I found myself alone. I just came off an engagement break-up and…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 13 April 2008 17:00 |
 Who the hell's he talking to?
This post is about those stupid hearing tests we all took in elementary school. Remember them?
You put those stethoscope-looking things over your ears while some schmuck behind a glass wall pushed buttons on a machine you couldn't see. You were supposed to raise your hand when you heard a sound.
It was usually a high-pitched tone.
This is a good measure of my hearing?
Maybe he should have whispered "You want a Twinkie?" into my headphones. That would've gotten my attention. Or "You've just failed Math" or "Jenny Thompson wants to blow you."
Okay, the last one would've only worked in high school. In elementary school, I would've probably just replied with a "huh?" and they would've failed me on that level of hearing.
 Barney is dead, kid.
I would be a child prodigy, immediately recruited by the CIA for dangerous spy missions that only someone with my unique talents could accomplish. I would infiltrate an enemy country, listen for secrets our super-spy satellites couldn't pick up, then return to save the day. Have I mentioned I loved The Six Million Dollar Man ?
Meanwhile, I can just hear my mom's reaction. "Super-hearing? My son? You must be mistaken, he can't even hear me when I tell him to clean the bathroom."
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