|
| |
|
“Will you put that stupid Dilbert book away!” - Wife Number One, on our honeymoon
|
| |
|
|
|
-
It's every humor writer's goal to write humor that is not only funny, but lasts a lifetime. A good humorist strives to make his experiences in life relatable and enjoyable…
-
I've done it. I ordered the generic version of Rogaine. Minoxidil is the magic ingredient and it promises to restore my masculinity.
I know the negatives. It'll…
-
Okay, first, if you're looking for actual scientific data, you're looking in the wrong place. I'm totally pulling all this stuff out of my rear but since my rear has…
-
Yesterday, someone asked me how my day was. I took a few seconds and then told them, "Pretty good, got a lot done. Yep, it was a pretty good day." …
-
The lungs provide our bodies with life-giving oxygen. The heart pumps our blood, the kidneys filter our system, the eyes provide visual representations of the world around us. We've even…
-
We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving. That's how the song goes and even though tons of stars banded together…
-
It disgusts me. The litter I see on the side of the road. Potato chip bags, aluminum cans, candy wrappers. You name it, Americans throw it out their car windows…
-
So I had a yard sale with my parents and my sister this past weekend. I know what you're thinking, in October? Don't worry, the weather was a brisk 60…
-
One for every mood.All men eventually experience that first time in the condom aisle. Be it in the local drug store or the 7-11 down the street, we've all had…
-
It's the beginning of September and I have already seen three Halloween stores open on the route I take to work. Three stores that sell nothing but Halloween costumes and…
|
|
| |
Â
Â
|
Written by Ross Cavins
|
|
Sunday, 08 June 2008 19:00 |
|
 What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as "the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues."
But I disagree.
Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.
That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin ... etc.
By this reasoning, there are some so-called fruits that don't make the cut: tomatoes, cantaloupe, honeydew and pears.
There is a whole giant argument on whether or not tomatoes should be considered fruits. They have the nickname of "love fruit" and technically, by the legal definition, they are fruits. But not by my definition.
 Was available during the holidays in 2004.
But pears? Nobody wants to buy Pear-flavored Kool-Aid. Or Pear Jolly Ranchers. Or Pear Jello. Jelly Bellies don't even have a pear flavor and they've got some funky stuff going on. Jones Soda and Doctor Browns won't even touch pears and they've got some pretty nasty stuff: mashed potatoes and butter, green bean casserole, turkey and gravy, celery (Cel-Ray ), rhubarb, kumquat, etc.
Pears are the un-fruit. They have pissed me off. Know why?
For the last few weeks, I searched the net for a plush cherry fruit. A toy stuffed cherry. That's all I wanted. With ebay and all kinds of sites out there, it doesn't seem that tough, does it?
It is.
With all my searches, I finally found a set of small plush fruits sold to nutritionists for help in teaching children. They were a set of six: apple, banana, orange, strawberry, grape ... and pear.
They had a pear, but no cherry! I needed an effing cherry and would've bought the entire set just for the cherry but no ... they had a pear.
The un-fruit.
The one major fruit that nobody likes enough to emulate with candy or drink.
People eat cherries in every shape, form and fashion possible. Bubble gum, cola, Jello, Jolly Ranchers, Kool-Aid, straight juice, wine (Three Dog Night: Sweet Cherry Wine), Cheerwine , pies, scratch-n-smell stickers, candles.
You get the idea. People love to eat, drink and smell cherries. Not pears.
Stupid pears. The Un-Fruit of the civilized world.
Damn it, somebody find me a little fuzzy, plush, stuffed cherry before I go bananas.
|
 Overs vs. Unders: The Great Toilet Paper Debate
Â
Over Is Right, Under Is Wrong
Just the other day, I had to change toilet paper rolls in two of our three bathrooms. I didn't realize it at the time but that small event made me completely e [ ... ]
|
 An American in Germany: Day One (Ausfahrt)
Germany is six hours ahead of US Eastern time and one of the first things you learn about is jetlag. As I write this, it’s 2:38 am German time. We’ve already been to bed and gotten up. Having fl [ ... ]
| Other Articles |
|
| |
 |
|
|
|
|
