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“Go sit in the corner.” - Mrs. Causey, my 3rd grade teacher
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Does a bigger Bible make you a better Christian? I've got a friend that seems to always have this huge Bible with him wherever he goes. I've often wondered if…
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Everyone remembers a couple bullies from their school years. But there's usually one in particular that always stands out. He was the meanest, snottiest excuse for a human being on…
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My wife and I decided to go see UNCG and Miami play basketball last night. We knew it would be a tough game but after all, we're both Alumni, and…
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The Southern Biscuit.In the South, we take a lot of things in stride. If it rains on game day, we shrug and celebrate that at least we don't have to…
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Recently, I entered my wife and I into a "Couple's Best" contest where you submit a 200 word story of how you met and people vote on the best story. …
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The Original Rudolph BookletThe song of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dates from 1939, when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward company asked one of their copywriters to come up with a Christmas…
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Over Is Right, Under Is Wrong
Just the other day, I had to change toilet paper rolls in two of our three bathrooms. I didn't realize it at the…
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I was born in America. I was raised in America. I possess a distinctly American belief system. Therefore I'm a Native American by all sense of the term, right? Then…
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I'm beginning my Life 3.0 and this weekend was one of mile"stones" for me. I bought a car, a 2004 Pontiac Aztek. It's ugly, I know ... it's so ugly…
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Growing up, I had what I affectionately called "Fat Boy Asthma." Whenever I would play sports, I had trouble breathing. I never experienced an attack for no reason like most…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 08 June 2008 19:00 |
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 What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as "the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues."
But I disagree.
Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.
That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin ... etc.
By this reasoning, there are some so-called fruits that don't make the cut: tomatoes, cantaloupe, honeydew and pears.
There is a whole giant argument on whether or not tomatoes should be considered fruits. They have the nickname of "love fruit" and technically, by the legal definition, they are fruits. But not by my definition.
 Was available during the holidays in 2004.
But pears? Nobody wants to buy Pear-flavored Kool-Aid. Or Pear Jolly Ranchers. Or Pear Jello. Jelly Bellies don't even have a pear flavor and they've got some funky stuff going on. Jones Soda and Doctor Browns won't even touch pears and they've got some pretty nasty stuff: mashed potatoes and butter, green bean casserole, turkey and gravy, celery (Cel-Ray ), rhubarb, kumquat, etc.
Pears are the un-fruit. They have pissed me off. Know why?
For the last few weeks, I searched the net for a plush cherry fruit. A toy stuffed cherry. That's all I wanted. With ebay and all kinds of sites out there, it doesn't seem that tough, does it?
It is.
With all my searches, I finally found a set of small plush fruits sold to nutritionists for help in teaching children. They were a set of six: apple, banana, orange, strawberry, grape ... and pear.
They had a pear, but no cherry! I needed an effing cherry and would've bought the entire set just for the cherry but no ... they had a pear.
The un-fruit.
The one major fruit that nobody likes enough to emulate with candy or drink.
People eat cherries in every shape, form and fashion possible. Bubble gum, cola, Jello, Jolly Ranchers, Kool-Aid, straight juice, wine (Three Dog Night: Sweet Cherry Wine), Cheerwine , pies, scratch-n-smell stickers, candles.
You get the idea. People love to eat, drink and smell cherries. Not pears.
Stupid pears. The Un-Fruit of the civilized world.
Damn it, somebody find me a little fuzzy, plush, stuffed cherry before I go bananas.
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