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“Your job is being outsourced.” - American Express, 3 months after being hired by them
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I've written about how our nation's spelling acuities have decreased since the advent of the internet. As a people, we spell bad. Real bad. But something that often…
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Everyone remembers a couple bullies from their school years. But there's usually one in particular that always stands out. He was the meanest, snottiest excuse for a human being on…
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Dishwater Johnson is a guy everyone knows. We see him everywhere. In a McDonald's drive-thru paying with a hundred. At a construction site with his hat on backwards. In a…
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BLT - hold the L and TI have two bosses, a 49-yr old Korean woman and an 86-yr old Jewish man. The woman is the caring, motherly type that treats…
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William H. Macy
I have one thing to say about the man, every movie he's in is good. It's that simple. He doesn't pick bad roles or bad movies. …
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It was many years ago on a Christmas Eve that my Aunt Pat did something none of us have ever let her forget. On a dare, she ate a cat…
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It's as simple as that. This article could end right now and you'd all know what I meant without me having to go into it. But where's the fun in…
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Old people like to eat certain foods that no one else eats. Or at the very least, foods they are stereotyped to eat because it's a dying food. Like them.
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For 37 years now, I have been an extremely picky eater. I can't help it, it's just who I am. I won't eat certain foods for the stupidest reasons. What…
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I know this seems to be a recurring motif, but in my younger years, I wasn't too swift. Oh sure, I had my IQ points and I did well in…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 20 July 2008 19:00 |
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Men can be defined in more ways than having a penis. We like our sports, whether we're playing them or watching them. We fart in our sleep even if we swear up and down that we don't. And we love to give directions.
Men will even compete over who has the best directions. There are two categories for this: The Shortest Route and The Quickest Route. They aren't always the same.
The Shortest Route is the one with the best trip odometer reading. Trip odometers were created by men, for men, just so we could settle arguments over how far it is to some place. Any place. A tenth of a mile only makes a difference to a man with a beer bet on the line.
The Quickest Route is the one that takes the least amount of time. This includes stop lights, left turns into traffic and wide open 35 mph zones.
The Shortest Route can never be argued. Ten and a half miles is ten and a half miles, no matter what you do differently. Cutting through a parking lot and hugging corners doesn't change much.
But the Quickest Route can always be disputed.
Driving 180 miles to the beach in the middle of the night makes a difference over leaving during the day. At night, some stop lights in small towns turn into caution lights. There's usually so little traffic on the road it's negligible. And there's less stopping (for the woman's bathroom breaks) because nothing's open.
And you can speed.
What time of day you drive can alter "time distances" so much that a 180-mile country road route through ten small towns can be quicker than a 200-mile straight-there highway stretch.
But regardless of whichever argument a man sides with on any given trip, men like to be right about their directions. We must be right.
And we need to be praised on our directional capabilities by our women and the society we live in. Because above all else, besides his penis, a man is defined by how he gets there from here.
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