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“Will you put that stupid Dilbert book away!” - Wife Number One, on our honeymoon
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The Fading LPThe world is constantly evolving. It is inevitable; all that is now, will be no more. Traditions are but man's futile attempts to preserve a way of life. …
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After succumbing to the inevitable metabolism death, I underwent The Great Diet Switch . Since that fateful day when I swore off regular sodas, I have rarely to…
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Everyone remembers their first date. It's a special experience that you never forget. Like your first real kiss. Or your first car. Or your first computer.
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I want to know something. Who invented the bathroom exhaust fan? I'll tell you, a genius, that's who. A veritable God among men. Whoever it was may have inadvertently saved…
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Okay, here's the deal: My office was broken into over the 4th of July holiday. My computer, my brand new Dell computer, was stolen along with all my personal stuff…
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I've got an idea for a game show, and only in America, the land of the TV zombies, could this work. I call it "Old Clothing Roulette."
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Sunday, 02 November 2008 19:00 |
 *not actual nephew I learned something this past weekend that disturbs me. My four year old nephew Joey has a big schlong. It's so big that it gets talked about. The boy is set for life.
I didn't learn this by giving him a bath or anything. I learned it from my mom.
The other day, she gave his six year old brother a bath. He was sitting on a tub chair and the water lapped just above his privates. He yelled for my mom to look! "Look! My weenie's floating!"
My mom laughed and said something like, "Good, good. Now turn around and let me get behind your ears."
In itself, that was funny. I could end there. But there was more.
He looked at my mom and said, "If this was Joey, his weenie would be touching the chair."
Let that sink in a moment. When a six year old boy regards his four year old brother's penis as large, it's probably not an exaggeration.
Mom laughed as she told me this, eyes glistening and cheeks rosy. I questioned her if this was really so, did my nephew in fact have a big winkie? She said yes, that when the boy was born, my sister thought something was wrong. She called my mom in and pointed at it, saying, "I think something's wrong. Look at it. It's huge."
With a straight face, my mom told her, "He takes after my side of the family."
In case you're wondering, I didn't get those mutant genetics.
Ten years from now, when Joey is beginning to think about girls, I'll hopefully be an accomplished writer and novelist. I can see it now. Joey will want to brag on his uncle. He'll take one of my books to school, a collection of entertaining blogs, and give it to a girl he likes.
He'll say, "That's my uncle. He's a famous writer. I earmarked a few pages for you."
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The Mourning of Peanut Butter
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A Letter to Arby's
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