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“You are one funny dude.” - S. Milton, some guy I know
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My normal breakfast consists of scarfing down a Pop Tart on my way to the office in the morning. Usually because I'm too lazy to fix something healthy to eat.
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Nascar is the biggest sport in America, believe it or not, and its roots originated here in the South. Illegal moonshiners in the mountains would spend their time and money…
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It was the summer of '91 and the first time in my life since I'd began dating that I found myself alone. I just came off an engagement break-up and…
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People can be divied into two types and it seems as if most women belong to that one group I don't. You know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about…
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I had a birthday this past Thursday. I turned 37. Getting older means different things to different people. Thirty-seven isn't a magic number by any means, to most people, but…
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My only regret, Front Wheel Drive. In 2001, when the Pontiac Aztek first came out, it was reviled as one of the ugliest cars ever made. At the auto show…
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"Housesitter" ran on TBS this past weekend (written in mid-July). I kept the sound off while I tried to write about different things. I read through the paper where it…
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Yesterday, I made the bestest breakfast in the world. I fried up three sausage patties, six slices of bacon, and two eggs over easy. Then I added two pieces of…
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It's a complete mystery to me. How my five year old nephew can remember the words to every song he hears. How he can recite entire passages from movies verbatim. …
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I've done it. I ordered the generic version of Rogaine. Minoxidil is the magic ingredient and it promises to restore my masculinity.
I know the negatives. It'll…
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Written by Ross Cavins
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Friday, 29 June 2007 19:00 |
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I have no ass. At all. I'm 35 and my ass has left me flatter than my mattress. It just took off one day without writing or saying goodbye.
 I Have No Ass
It's not so bad a thing to have, not as bad as the going bald thing men have to put with, God's little joke. He seems to have quite a few funnies in store for us as we get older. All sorts of things pop up on our body that we'd never seen before, much less even heard of.
I now have little blood blisters, tiny little red dots, at various spots all over me. I'm told (yet to verify) that they're places where the arteries have surfaced to the top of the skin, like there wasn't enough room among all the fat or something. Anyone have any ideas here?
But thing with my ass vanishing, this sorta bothers me. I need my ass. I sit a lot, in front of my computer, in front of the TV, in the car, at the ass clinic. So what am I gonna do if it completely leaves? How will my pants stay up? Tighter belt? Believe me, it's as tight as it's gonna go. My dad used to tell me I was taking gone-ass pills and I always laughed. Not laughing now. I have my dad's non-ass.
Of course, there is a slight upside ... as women get older, their asses sag. Men's just disappear so I guess if I had a choice ...
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