The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard

Facebook Syndication Error

“You call that six inches?”

- Sharon, my first real girlfriend

Big Church Is Big Business

I heard someone talking yesterday about how this pastor and his church owned half a city block and had a membership of more than five thousand people. By "Big City"…
Looking Forward To Mondays

Among the many number of things I did wrong with my two wives, I did a great many correct. It takes a lot to make a marriage work and outside…
Cross-Pollinating with Sarah The Crazy Baby Mama

Cross-Pollinating with Sarah The Crazy Baby Mama ... See my post "The Agent Who Laughed Himself To Death" at her blog today! Desperate Times<...
Warm Milk and Oatmeal Creme Pies

I was talking with a friend the other day and he suddenly turned to me and said, "Do you smell that?" My instinctive reaction was to say, "It wasn't me,"…
Pop Tarts (among other things)

My normal breakfast consists of scarfing down a Pop Tart on my way to the office in the morning. Usually because I'm too lazy to fix something healthy to eat.
The Greatest Condiment Ever Invented: Ketchup

Some might disagree but they'd be wrong. There are other condiments that run a close second but as far as I am concerned, ketchup is the most important food accompaniment…
The Internet Has Ruinned Our Spelling Abilitys

It's true. The world's spelling acuity, and America's in particular, has suffered immensely due to one major reason. The advent of the Internet.

This new medium has single-handedly opened…
Homage To The Southern Biscuit

The Southern Biscuit.In the South, we take a lot of things in stride. If it rains on game day, we shrug and celebrate that at least we don't have to…
The Concept of Separate Bathrooms

I have some simple advice. And since I've been married twice and freely admit to my mistakes, you can take it for what it's worth. I can safely say that…
William H. Macy

William H. Macy

I have one thing to say about the man, every movie he's in is good. It's that simple. He doesn't pick bad roles or bad movies. …

The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard

Written by Ross Cavins

Thursday, 09 August 2007 01:39

I don't remember just how old I was, probably around seven or eight. We had taken a family vacation to the beach and were staying with my aunt and uncle. My uncle's older son and daughter from a previous marriage were there, too. They'd just taught me how to play poker, Las Vegas style, and the girl cousin (let's call her Cynthia) asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I said, sure, yeah.

Then she said it was a dirty joke and I believe my exact reaction was complete awe. Not only was I going to hear a dirty joke from an "almost grown-up" (which is different than hearing one on the playground from your best friend who's also seven), but my older cousin, a GIRL and a hottie in her own right, was going to tell it to me. Could life be any more perfect for a seven year old boy?

The Polish Speedo Twins.

Before I go on, I must set political correctness aside and explain that during the seventies (before the term political correctness was invented), for some odd reason, it was chic to tell Polock jokes. For those international readers who don't know, the Polocks were revered in American jokes as the most stupid peoples in the world. Don't yell at me about it, it was just the way it was. The same way foreigners think everybody from Texas wears cowboy hats and all inner-city blacks listen to rap music. Of course, the generalizations are correct because most people from Texas do wear cowboy hats and most inner-city blacks do listen to rap but that's beside the point. The stereotype just existed so the jokes grew up around them, like Jewish money jokes. Get it now?

Cynthia began: A Polock was walking down the beach and saw a bunch of bikini-clad girls gathered around a normal-looking guy. The Polock pulled him aside and asked him how he could attract so many beautiful women and the guy said he'd tell him his secret.

He said to go to the grocery store, get the biggest potato he could find, put it in his bikini Speedos and walk down the beach. The Polock looked at him crazily, asked him to repeat it so he'd get it right.

The Polock went to the grocery store, bought the biggest potato he could find, put it in his bikini Speedos and walked down the beach. But the plan didn't work, every girl that saw him ran the opposite direction.

The Polock was perplexed. He'd done everything just like the guy had told him. He'd gone to the grocery store, bought a big potato, put it in his swim trunks and walked down the beach. So he hunted around till he found the guy, still surrounded by beautiful sexy women.

He told the guy he'd followed directions, just like he was supposed to. He went to the store, bought a potato, stuck it in his shorts and walked down the beach. But everyone ran away from him. What was he doing wrong?

The guy looked at him funny, giving him the once-over, then broke out laughing. He said, "You stupid Polock, you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!"

Well, there you go. It's not really that dirty, the dirty part is more implied but I understood it at age seven which says more about American culture than I'd like to admit.

P.S. A quickie -- the first Polock joke I ever remember ... What's the difference between a Polish firing squad and any other? A: They stand in a circle.

(cue rimshot)

Thank you, thank you, my next show will be in an hour . . .

(NOTE: I am not prejudiced in any way. In fact, Wife Number Two was of Polish lineage, two generations off the boat. When we were together, I used to joke that God was going to punish me for my childhood Polock jokes by giving me Polish children. But alas, she divorced me.)

< Prev		Next >