I have no ass. At all. I'm 35 and my ass has left me flatter than my mattress. It just took off one day without writing or saying goodbye.
I mean, it's not that I had a big ass to begin with. Really, as I look back, it was always a small ass even though I'm a pretty big guy, so I guess I'm not really missing much. But maybe that's why it hurts to sit on the floor for very long? I have no ass so I can't be a Floor Dweller (see next post). Hmmm … maybe someone ought to look into this sometime.
It's not so bad a thing to have, not as bad as the going bald thing men have to put with, God's little joke. He seems to have quite a few funnies in store for us as we get older. All sorts of things pop up on our body that we'd never seen before, much less even heard of.
I now have little blood blisters, tiny little red dots, at various spots all over me. I'm told (yet to verify) that they're places where the arteries have surfaced to the top of the skin, like there wasn't enough room among all the fat or something. Anyone have any ideas here?
But thing with my ass vanishing, this sorta bothers me. I need my ass. I sit a lot, in front of my computer, in front of the TV, in the car, at the ass clinic. So what am I gonna do if it completely leaves? How will my pants stay up? Tighter belt? Believe me, it's as tight as it's gonna go. My dad used to tell me I was taking gone-ass pills and I always laughed. Not laughing now. I have my dad's non-ass.
Of course, there is a slight upside … as women get older, their asses sag. Men's just disappear so I guess if I had a choice …