Just the other day, I had to change toilet paper rolls in two of our three bathrooms. I didn’t realize it at the time but that small event made me completely ecstatic.
You see, I’m an “Over” and my wife is an “Under.”
Let me explain.
In this world, people are split into one of three categories: 1) The people who like to have their toilet paper with the paper rolling over the top toward them, 2) The people who like to have their toilet paper rolling down the back and under the roll, and 3) The people who don’t give a damn and just want to wipe in peace.
Obviously, “over” is the correct way. The loose flap is always at your finger’s touch, waiting for you to grab it, pull out a few sheets, and rip it away.
When the paper is situated as an “under,” you have to search underneath the roll to find the flap, and when you can’t, you have to unroll the toilet paper and look for the flap to break free. Sometimes, if you have some really plushy paper, it doesn’t free itself and you have to pay close attention to grab it. Maybe even scratch it to get it free.
My wife wholeheartedly believes that “under” is the correct way to live. Bless her soul. She has tried numerous times to convince me that when you rip the paper away, there’s always a few sections left free, that gravity does all the work for you. It doesn’t. I swear. I’ve told her as much until I’m blue in the face.
In fact, I have done scientific empirical studies that prove that a person, male or female, wastes approximately 2.2 seconds each bathroom trip if the paper is oriented as “under.” I don’t like waste (pun intended). (Another Study In Favor of OVER )
I have also discovered through scientific google monitoring, that the majority of “unders” are female. Hmm …
Back when we first began dating, I had the privilege of using the bathroom at Carmen’s house twice in one day. Once in each of her bathrooms.
I changed her paper to the correct way, the “over” way. I had believed it was an oversight on her part.
The next morning, during my normal course of business, I noticed that the paper had been changed back to the “under” position. I burst out laughing until I realized that bursting out laughing in the bathroom of someone you’re dating is not a good idea.
Assuming this was a new game, I went through the house and changed the rolls back to the “over” position. But the next time I went to the bathroom, they were miraculously flipped to “under” again.
I couldn’t believe it. I had met my match. My wife-to-be was going to play this game with me without saying a single word. Touché.
I began to wonder if she’d changed my toilet rolls at my house the last time she was there and I hadn’t noticed. Hmmm ..
The initial problem arose when I incorrectly assumed she fell into the third category of people and just didn’t know any better when she put the toilet roll on.
Boy was I wrong.
She is the first legitimate “Under” I’ve ever met. Until we began dating, I thought the world was “Over vs. Don’t Cares.”
This was a major paradigm shift for me.
And that day began our “Over vs. Under” wars.
When we began living together, we had to come to some sort of compromise. We couldn’t just switch it each time we used the bathroom. So it was decided that whoever finished up a toilet roll would get to put the new one on “their way.” And nobody could change it.
This is fair, right?
I came up with an even better compromise: when we remodel the bathrooms, we will have TWO toilet paper rolls in each , an “over” and an “under.” We’ll label them HIS and HERS. I’m not kidding.
We had to extend the current treaty to cover the kitchen’s paper towel rack also. I was amazed. Her belief that “under” was the way to live extended to all facets of “over vs. under.” It wasn’t just a phase or a glitch in her circuitry, like when a baseball player throws right-handed and bats left-handed.
This thing of hers was a lifestyle choice.
So, the other day, when I achieved the coup of changing both rolls of toilet paper in a single day (thus ensuring that the toilet paper would be easy and carefree to use for the next week or so), I was happy. Ecstatic. Downright gleeful.
However, I think the real question here is: should I be overjoyed that I had to use the bathroom so much I changed two freaking rolls in one day? What am I eating?