People can be divied into two types and it seems as if most women belong to that one group I don't. You know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about Floor Dwellers. Yep, Floor Dwellers, you know who you are.
You're the people who can just plop down anywhere, anytime and be comfortable. You don't need a chair or a couch or even a beanbag (70s reference). You can sit Indian-style, right where you drop and be perfectly content. Carpet or hardwood or grass, it doesn't matter a bit.
I'll never understand a Floor Dweller, and I've married two of them and dated countless more. When I sit on the floor, not only is it extremely uncomfortable, but my legs go numb and my feet turn purple and I have to constantly keep repositioning myself.
How do you do it? I don't get it. I'm lost.
Floor Dwellers just seem so content no matter what they're doing or where they are. I must admit, I'm a bit envious. And as my second wife (the Counselor) would tell me, I'm projecting. I totally understand that and I can dig it. But doesn't that contentedness they exhibit just piss you off sometimes?
I'm curious, and I'd love to see some statistics somewhere … what's the percentage of Floor Dwellers to the rest of us? How does it break down with men and women? I feel a webpage coming on …
Floor Dwelling should become some kind of secret society. You get a special ring and password and a special knock to enter clubs, where there's no furniture and you just sit and talk. Sit anywhere and talk about anything just because you're a Floor Dweller and you can.
And you know what's crazy? Floor Dwellers look good doing it. You could never have someone like me infiltrate your ranks, you'd know I didn't belong just as soon as I plopped down for my ceremonial sit and greet, and popped my knee out of joint with a loud crack. Not only do I look awkward sitting on the floor, but I'm not even sure you could call it sitting. When I sit on the floor, I more or less just occupy space with my body because gravity dictates it. And get cramps. I can't even sit upright when I'm on the floor, not without propping my hands up behind me in some goofy looking position.
Then my ass cheeks fall asleep. Followed by my hands. And I get dizzy. And then I lay down and look totally uncool.
But Floor Dwellers can sit properly, with their back straight, and smile a real honest-to-god smile. And mean it. I'm jealous. In my next life, I hope I'm a Floor Dweller.