Things you can get for five dollars

The interwebs has changed everything. Not only can I order my Dominos pizza online, but I can control a client’s computer or discover new music or research Germany, all from the comfort of my duct-taped captain’s chair. But the newest thing I’ve discovered is what I can get for $5. is a site that’s been around since 2010; its users offer a variety of services for only FIVE BUCKS. Yes, five measly dollars.

For instance, I can get my ad tweeted 5 times a day for 5 days to over 60,000 fake people.  The same guy can give me 5k fake twitter followers in less than 24 hours.  All for just $5. I think I’ll fake signing up for this one so he can fake doing the service, and then we’ll all happy. Fake happy.

I can also get a 3-minute conversation between a young girl and her normal-looking cat, Missy, about anything I want. She’ll send me the video file (she thinks it’s in MOV format) or post it on youtube. This girl will also draw and color the bust of any character (like my picture, cause I’m like, a character) in her own personal style. That’s good, I’d hate her to use my style; I suck.  I can’t even draw stick people straight.

I wonder if I could get her to draw me while she’s talking to her cat? Probably cost another $5. If she was older (read: legal), I’d make an inappropriate joke here about busts, and by busts, I mean boobs. But since I’m 40 and she’s like, 14, that would like totally make me a total perv. Don’t get me wrong, I AM a total perv, but I don’t advertise it.


There’s also a guy who will send you a birthday greeting, advertising video, testimonial, etc., while wearing a fake mustache and eyebrows, playing a guitar (although his username is banjoman15), and singing in an awful Disneyesque southern/western accent, complete with a shrill yahoo. He also masquerades as a preacher and hillbilly. And yes, he’ll play banjo if you want.

Then there’s the girl who’ll write anything on her ass and do a two-minute booty dance, the girl who’ll display a personalized sign while wearing nothing but her birthday suit, the angry-looking girl who’ll “humiliate, blackmail, bypnotize, or dominate you”, and the large-breasted girl who’ll write any word on her boobs and dance slowly for the camera.

Hmmm …

For $5, I could also order a Happy Birthday message from a bad Christopher Walken impersonator, or get a picture of someone zombified, or have someone cyber-bullied, or get a video of a hand-puppet saying anything I want for 30 seconds (this guy is actually good).

These are all fine and dandy but way too useful. The award for Most Inane Way To Spend $5, and my personal favorite, is this one from user debahoo: I will hurl an orange about one thousand feet, while rhyming words that end with chicken coop. I will also tell you a weird problem with my body. I will juggle about 6 to 9 foreign objects while talking in a Rob Schnieder voice.


(Do me a favor and share this on your favorite social network … and if you’re one of those suckers who got lured here by such a post … friend me or like me on said network because a man can’t ever have too many friends; I promise to ignore your posts as much as anyone else in your network.)